I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
