I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
