I think my fart just growled at me.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
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