wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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