how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Let's get the cat blown out
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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