God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
