I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
