I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
