God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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