when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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