he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Is Oprah even human
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
