I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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