$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize