What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
