dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Oh god it's open bar.
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