please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
