ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
