do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize