i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
