Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
