By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
