Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
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