Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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