I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
