I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
