If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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