uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
