I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
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