I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
