When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
