i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize