dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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