someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Randomize
