We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
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