Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I could make wine with my vomit
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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