Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Randomize
