I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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