Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
