When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize