i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Randomize
