I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Send help, water and tortillas.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
