I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
