I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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