I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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