How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
