Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
