He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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