My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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