I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Randomize
