All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
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