oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
