i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Randomize
