Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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