White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
