I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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