peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
