Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I think weed is turning my hair brown
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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