My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
