my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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