I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize