My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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